The Truth About Last Night

Some of you maybe were a bit confused with the results last night, thinking that I was able to hang onto 3rd place in the competition last night.  Instead, I got disqualified and called socially retarded.  Here is the reason why:

I did not pay the $50 entry fee.

You might me calling me all sorts of names right now asking yourself how could I be so dumb?  It’s a fair question, and I am taking nothing away from Dylan’s performance last night either, but I need to explain why I was trashed onstage.  I could have prevented it.  Well, sort of.

What I am about to explain is the truth.  Some of you might think it’s a bit too much information and judge me.  That’s your right, but if you are one of those people who wants to judge me based on what you’ve read, and not by what you know from talking with me, then you can seriously go fuck yourself.  The people who matter in my life I already know their opinions of me, because they know me for who I am, not based on the mistakes I’ve made in life.  Besides, this explanation is somewhat necessary I think because it would give you a glimpse into why I seem to go with a self-deprecating style lately.

First, when Dez mentioned the fee, I think we all sort of looked at each other and thought he was joking.  I never saw anyone else pay it, and he only mentioned it the Monday night once and that’s all.  I thought it was a joke, because sometimes his plans for us change, and that’s cool.

The reason I didn’t pay is because I didn’t have the money.  I was broke.  Yes, at 38 I don’t really have a lot saved up.  I got fired from my last job three days before Christmas; I never saw it coming at all, no written warnings or anything of the sort that made me think my job was on the line.  So, for the entire month of January and the first couple weeks of this month, I had no job.  When I got my first paycheck from this new job it was only for 4 days, and it had to go to my expenses.

I couldn’t ask family for it, because they choose not to believe in me.  Friends?  Nope, won’t bother them with it.  Why didn’t I tell Dez?  I’m not sure.  I think it’s a combination of not totally believing he wanted a registration fee to begin with, and also because I was a bit embarrassed to let him know of my situation.  So, the whole month of January, Monday nights were all I had to look forward to during the week since job interviews were hardly existent.  I only had 4 then I got hired on where I’m at now.  That’s why when I didn’t have a good set and/or got trashed onstage by Dez that it bothered me that much more.

You might wonder how I ended up here.  It’s a fair question, so for those of you with an open mind, here goes nothing…..

I don’t really have a dream job.  To me there is no such thing.  I tried my dream years ago and it was 2 years of beating my fucking head against a wall and getting absolutely nowhere.  So, ever since my dream died when i was like in my early 20s, I’ve always tried to find a job that suited what I could bring to the table, but it’s never happened.  I’ve tried the crowns and stuff, had interviews, been hired, then sitting at home waiting for a call that never comes, being lied to, disrespected at work, assaulted on the job, verbally abused, stressed out, pricks for bosses, being thrown into the fire with no training, etc.  I think you get the picture by now.  I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I cannot get a dream job because it doesn’t exist.  Everyone else gets them so I have to settle for something I know I can do, but doesn’t drive me, you know?

Having said that, with the job shit and family not supporting me in much that I do…actually they don’t support me in anything I pursue.  They just want me to have a job and pay bills.  Anything I try to do they shoot down.  That’s why I rely on my friends so much.  Add to that, my dating troubles and I’m left with this feeling that to be considered an equal around some, that I have to fight, scratch, kick and claw, do things bigger, bolder, better and louder than most just to be noticed.  Sometimes it works, most of the time it doesn’t though.  That’s why I tried stand-up comedy, because as previously mentioned, a good set for me can carry me through the next day.  I don’t often get that feeling.

Then you get razzed onstage and called socially retarded, and it’s little wonder why I openly admit that I’m really nobody’s equal.  I am always looking up at everyone else, or told by my family about everyone else’s kids and how successful they are.  I guarantee you my family hasn’t told anyone that I do stand-up comedy, maybe because they’re embarrassed and think I make an ass of myself.

I’ve been getting better over the last year and a bit in projecting a better image to others, but I still don’t take myself too seriously because after you’ve been down enough it keeps you grounded and humble.  That’s why when Dez said Sunday night that I was in first until I did my song, I never believed him.  I refused to because all I ever heard from him before was nothing affirmative, at least to the audience.

My performance last night may have made believers out of some of the comics who doubted me before, and from some of the regular audience members, but it made me feel pretty embarrassed.  I didn’t know Dez well enough to tell him what was really going on.  Maybe I should of.  Who knows?

I know it may be a bit much for some people to read, but if you don’t have an idea about who I am and how I got to this point in my life, you won’t begin to understand or appreciate the approach I take to my comedy routine.  I am my own worst critic.  I’m very hard on myself because others have always been so it’s hard sometimes to lift yourself up.

My life isn’t perfect.  Fucking far from it!  I am in comedy I think because I knew I had the basic tools to succeed, and because I hoped that I could get a reaction from an audience one day that would help me.  Sunday night did just that.  It’s therapeutic because I was able carry myself better and stand proud, being able to deal with what the work day threw at me with an heir of positivity and confidence that I don’t otherwise ever carry.  Over the last couple of performances in the competition I was able to tap into that self-deprecating style and make it work.  I think I will be tapping into that for new material that will more than likely debut next Monday at Beily’s.  We’ll see how it works.  Maybe it will be my niche.

It sounded like I won 3rd, but because I’m an idiot I was disqualified and lost, at least according to the way things went onstage.  Sure, I felt embarrassed, but after my friends and a couple others approached me and said that I improved dramatically and they were happy to see it.  That made me feel better.  I am not sure I would have taken the money even if I did win it, even though I could really use it now.  To me, it’s not about the money.  It was about improving show after show, and every night I finished last, except for Sunday night, where it really wasn’t even close.  I beat the top comics (with 5 years or less experience) in the city.  You may think I’m overstating that, but fuck yourself.  It’s easy to spout off from the cheap seats if you weren’t there, right?

Anyhow, that’s sorta me in a nutshell.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  You know something?  I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I’ve got nothing to hide.  The people who want to judge, will eventually do so, it’s only a matter of when and not if.  For the people I am lucky enough to call a friend, they will hopefully read this, and get a better understanding of who I am and maybe appreciate my point of view on things.  It may not be positive some of the time, but it’s certainly unique.

Feel free to leave comments if you like, as the link should be right below the title of this blog.  See you next Monday.

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