Is It Worth A Kick In The Head?

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The year that passed has been unlike any other.  A global pandemic has…..oh, who gives a shit?  It isn’t worth talking about and being talked down to.

There were some bright spots, although they were few.  The best moment for me was in April, when Tyson Fury KOd then heavyweight boxing champion Deontay Wilder.  Fury won the title a few years before that, then relinquished all of his belts, as he was unable to defend them because he sank into depression and had contemplated suicide.  He also saw his weight skyrocket.  He was unfocused, out of shape, and wanted to die.

In an interview he stated that one night he went up to his attic, and got down on his knees.  With tears streaming down his face, he begged God to help him.  From that moment forward, he had a peace about him and a confidence that he could regain the heavyweight championship of the world.  Few people gave him a chance.

His two fights with Deontay Wilder went exactly how he said.  Most fighters talk shit and say how they will knock the other person into next week, etc.  But the first fight, Fury said he would outbox Wilder.  That’s exactly what he did, even though the fight ended in a controversial draw (thanks to an inept judge).

Fury did not let this dissuade him.  They had a rematch and Fury said this time he would bully the champ, coming forward and taking the fight to him.  That’s exactly what happened.  Fury also said he would KO the champ, which he did.

Was it worth the proverbial kick in the head for Tyson Fury?  Considering this “kick” was self-inflicted, the complete turnaround was seemingly worth it.  But what about the rest of 2020?

I made the comment about 2020 that……oh, nevermind.  Again, who gives a shit?

The year that has passed has left me feeling unappreciated, worn out, tired and unmotivated.  Between the radio show, comedy, work and my personal life, it has left me drained and needing renewal.  With the way things are now, it does not appear that renewal will come in any form, anytime soon.

Renewal usually means a light at the end of the tunnel, something to look forward to whether it be a date, a paid comedy club gig, or…… nope.  Those are the only two lights at the end of my tunnel that I could see myself working towards.

Right now there is no radio show.  I haven’t even bothered to post the Christmas Eve episode to the website, let alone take the great ideas I have and at least jot them down to hash out for material.  I couldn’t be bothered.

Not doing the radio show made me crash, like how you come down from having too much caffeine.  I became worn out and it showed me how I was burning myself out with the crazy schedule I kept for 18 months.  The sad part is that my body got used to the grind, so it didn’t feel much like a grind, until I didn’t have it anymore.  Sure, in an instant the stress was gone, as was the 6 to 8 hours a week of trying to find guests for the show.  But it left me worn out and not feeling like my efforts were appreciated.  Maybe they were appreciated by a few, but that is usually the way it goes.  I bust my ass and consistently put out content with not much of a following, while others can be inconsistent or non existent with their content and get more of a following.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I’m not well liked within the community or respected that much.  If I was, things would be different.  Then again, not worth discussing at this point.

When the summer comes, I cannot say with certainty one way or the other if the show will come back.  I cannot say either when I will be able to sit down and hash out all this new material I have gathered over the last several months.  I would say it’s pandemic related, then again, I’m not narrow minded enough for that.  The material isn’t about me, it’s more observational, discussing topics that other comics aren’t talking about.  Would it make me stand out from the rest?  Only if it’s funny.  That’s where the work comes in.

But without having something to work towards, a goal of some sort, it becomes tough to get the motivation to put the work in.  I have no motivation at this point, and getting shit on by single women and others doesn’t want me to get back on the horse for another go.  I am too worn out.  I’ve put more effort into comedy related activities last year than everyone combined and burnt myself out in the process.  I displayed an insane work ethic that nobody really saw the extent of as far as the sleepless nights and the physical toll my present job takes on this skinny frame of mine.  It isn’t fun.

While it would be nice to have someone supportive, enthusiastic and fun by my side (ie: relationship), I should temper those expectations because let’s face it, women don’t seem to appreciate a guy that’s different than most.  I guess ambition and confidence don’t make inroads like they used to.

Will I ever get to that point in my comedy journey, let alone life, where I get my just due, and receive some recognition for my efforts?  I can’t even be optimistic enough to care at this point.  I am worn out.  I wanted to host an online comedy show last weekend, but nobody seemed interested as their were no likes, shares or interest that I could tell.  So I pulled the plug.  What’s the point of paying $20 a month for a Zoom account then?

I am disappointed in people, tired, frustrated, cranky, slightly discouraged and worn out.

I’m sure at some point that will become great material.  Oh, and since nobody comments on my posts anymore, the ability to leave comments has been turned off.

Good night.


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