The Long, Bumpy & Broken Road

It has been almost a year between posts. At first, it was because I simply didn’t care to post.  I’ve done close to 400 posts over eleven years. Shit gets boring and redundant after a while. But now it’s sort of necessary to get my life back to some sort of normal for me.

The last couple months I scuttled all of my social media.  All of it.  I have been dealing with a personal matter that’s felt like I have been living a nightmare for the last few months.  It’s absolutely horrible and I do not wish this upon anyone.

After a certain amount of time, you look at yourself in the mirror and wonder aloud if, and when things might return to the way they were.  I have asked that of myself over the last few weeks as the loneliness, apathy and worry began to set in.  In addition to this, certain people who I thought were close to me would check in on occasion.  But it’s mostly been me that has to reach out to others.  Again, I’ve said before, people need to get out of their own skin and explore the world around them and seek out others.  A couple of you have done that, in addition to those from church, which is appreciated.

I found out through the grapevine about open mics that have started up this week.  I needed to get out and attend.  For the first time in a couple months being on stage, there wasn’t any rust to shake off.  I was able to improvise at the beginning and did quite alright for the five minutes I was scheduled for.  Usually the younger crowd isn’t conducive to my material.  This time around, I managed to make it work.  It was all new material.  This is stuff that I feel like can elevate me going forward, hopefully.  I feel like I have settled into being a story teller. I am deliberate and descriptive in my delivery, giving the audience a chance to follow along and to see the picture I am painting for them.  There aren’t as many laugh points in the story at times, but I felt comfortable with the pace and quality of what I performed.

I also found out that I was nominated by other comics at the year-end comedy awards for being the Top Mentor.  I didn’t win.  That isn’t a surprise.  What is surprising is that people looked to me as a mentor, because nobody has told me anything of the sort.

My ordeal that caused me to step away from things for a while is almost at its conclusion.  I hope that when it’s done and put behind me, that I can not only get the opportunity to do more shows, but to engage with some of the comics on a level that’s more like being actual friends.  Getting out, spending time together, sharing ideas and genuinely appreciating each other.  It’s easy to “play the game” as it were, when you see other comics in the convenient setting of a comedy show.  I will make it a priority to engage with fellow comics more often.

Ever since December my life has been a nightmare of sorts, dark, lonely and sad, in ways that cannot be described adequately within a blog post.  Some people have made it better by being there.  Some have made it worse by choosing to be there when it suits them best.  That isn’t the way life works.  That isn’t the way I operate.  Plus, turning 50 this summer doesn’t seem like something to be proud of or celebrate at the moment.  I go home from work after taking the bus, sleep and that’s about it. Not the healthiest environment to come home to with four empty walls with what’s going on lately.

I believe this year, my upcoming 50th on this planet, will really show me who I can count on when times get uncomfortable, difficult, discouraging.  We only have one life to live.  Each day we have the ability to make it as good for others as we do for ourselves.  That should be a priority, to make it good for those around us.  It’s not something you can do when you feel like doing it.  This should be a part of who you are, regardless of how your day is.  I try to do this on a regular basis.  When I reach out and say my day is shit, you might think why are you telling me this?  But, at least I’m reaching out, communicating, talking.

We can all be better to each other.  That goes both ways.  Please remember this, because I don’t know how much longer I will do comedy or keep up the blog.  I’d like to think I can weather the storm, but only time will tell.

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