The Roller Coaster Has Been Dismantled And Sold

Tags: failed relationships, relationships, Saskatoon, stand up comedy, stand-up comedy, stand-up diaries, standup diaries, The Stand-Up Diaries, the standup diaries, trevor dean, Trevor Dean comedian, trevor dean saskatoon

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before……..

I met this great girl……

(chirping of crickets)

(people snoring)

“Have I done this THAT often?”

Maybe I am being a bit too optimistic.  I always thought when it felt easy and right, that’s a good sign.  Well, it turns out that’s only in the beginning, because no work has been initiated by either side to work towards the possibility of dating.

I did meet somebody in August, and it started off alright.  But, just like with my ex, when life puts the gentle squeeze on you, that is when you see what comes out.  Most of the time it isn’t pretty and guys should head in the opposite direction.  Like I should have done.

I probably should give this piece some context.  If you don’t have context, or choose to ignore it to form your own, judgmental narrative, you are like poison, full of toxicity.  If you aren’t careful you will be exposed to that poison and it will ruin your own life.

I’ve written almost 400 of these posts over ten years, so I could care less what you think.  I’ve done more in local comedy over these ten years than most and received almost zero net benefit from it.  But that is more a reflection of other people than it is me, so I can sleep at night knowing I’m not a douche.

Life has been unfair to me, and I treat others better than they treat me and still, I get the short end of the stick.  It’s always been like that in my life and my comedy journey has only exacerbated that point.  If you took my life and gave it to the woman I was seeing, it would make her crumble.  She would be depressed, toxic, angry.  Me?  None of those things.

I am at peace with my past and my mistakes.  Mistakes are how you learn and grow.  People that have had it easy for years tend to thumb their nose at people like me.  I’ve seen it time and before, and I have no tolerance or patience for it, from this woman I saw, to my parents, and certain comics.  That negative, bullying, ignorant attitude covers up underlying issues that reek so bad I’ll need to wear a gas mask around the person next time I see them.

Why do I waste my time on such women?  Well, I guess it’s because I am easily fooled?  Maybe I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt more often than not.  When mistakes are made by them, instead of me confronting them at that moment and maybe getting emotional, yelling or seeming like I am criticizing them, I will stay silent.  I would rather say nothing than say something hurtful.  So I’ll take a few days to get the proper perspective on things and figure out the right way to approach the subject.  Yes, it’s a few days late, but it’s better that way than to throw the person under the bus entirely, in my opinion.  I’ve been hurt far too often and don’t make it a goal of mine to take that mistreatment out on others to make myself feel better.

If I need to feel better, I do not need to look very far for inspiration.  I have a wonderful group of mentors around me that show me how to treat others, how to be humble, kind, honest and authentic.  I just need to look at how far I have come and what I’ve achieved that others are scared to try.  When others are scared to try that’s when they gang up on me and beat me down.  It’s just like the comedy Zoom thing.  Everyone was skeptical of it when it first became necessary to do.  By then, I had lots of experience on Zoom that the other comics were never exposed to, so I knew its benefits.

Then, suddenly everyone likes it and thinks it’s cool, but I will never get thanked for it.  No, that would not be kosher to thank me.  It’s better to all gang up in the comments when things go wrong.

I have a group of comics that have my back that others in the community haven’t made connections with, who believe in me and will stand by me.  Plus, I have the backing of my church so in the end, it’s okay.  I have been a target and on the low rung of the comedy ladder since I started, so why change that now, right?

If I meet someone, I do maybe get a bit excited in wanting to chat about them, because I need to be authentic on stage in order to sell the material.  But I really should stop giving women the benefit of the doubt.  It doesn’t appear to be working in my favour.

Does it affect my comedy?  Not as much as it used to.  Maybe that’s because I have failed so much, it doesn’t matter anymore.

Some people want to try and bully you into a conversation, backing you into a corner and have you tell them everything you need to know right then and there.  If they don’t, then you’re accused of lying or having something to hide, never mind about being treated with dignity.  Nevermind about earning trust and creating a safe environment to tell the other person important things of your life.

I have been around long enough that nothing in my personal life affects me on stage, which is good.  I now have a show to run every couple of weeks, which means it gives me more of a chance to get out amongst the comics.  I didn’t say to socialize with them, but just to get out.  I doubt I will be in front of a meaningful (full or in a club setting) audience for a long while.  It will be hard to motivate myself to do the best I can.  Maybe I need to get with my comedy coach again, since it’s been months and months.

After ten years, I need to ask myself how I can become more relevant, make more of a connection with the audience while keeping my material original and not like the others, if I even care to do so.

A potential relationship that bullies me, is condescending, rude and ignorant while lashing out from a place of fear and anxiety doesn’t affect me on stage.  In the end, it just shows me that some things aren’t worth investing in once you understand the rate of return you will receive.  That’s right, she’s just like a comic in some sense.  When you see what comes out of them, the real them, it should be enough to make you walk away.

Then again, I have always been an optimist.  Maybe the only one I should have optimism for these days is myself.