Throw It In The Trash Or Make A Successful Dash

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When I was homeless and unemployed, it was easy to focus on the comedy more because after a day of job hunting and being rejected multiple times, it was the only thing aside from staying at the Salvation Army (for a roof over my head) that I had to look forward to at the end of the day.  Now however, my job is making me wonder if the comedy will be pursued much longer.

I liken the comedy to singing certain songs in karaoke.  If you can’t make a connection from it and give it your all, why be there?  There are certain songs I sing where I feel as if the rest of the world is shut out and it’s just me communicating through the song, oblivious to what’s going on around me.  With the comedy it’s kind of the same way in that I need to be able to sell the material.  For me to properly sell the material I need to believe in it.  To believe in it, I have to make a personal connection to it.  All this ties in to the desire to be on stage and succeed.

The job I have now though is making comedy, at least the preparation for it not as much fun as it used to be.  Maybe it’s because I get paid the least for doing the most, everyone piles up shit on me when they know I have twenty other things to do.  Part of it could be some people receiving promotions and raises, while my raise was quashed by my boss’s boss even though my boss was the one who recommended it based on my performance?  I am on my feet for the full 8 hours running around, if I want a lunch I have to physically leave the building otherwise I will be called back for something.  I am being pulled in so many different directions that at the end of the day I’m mentally exhausted once I get home.  6:30 p.m. comes, I may or may not feel like eating, lay down to relax and rest, then it’s 8 or 9:00 and by then I am too wiped from the day to think about the comedy preparation.

I think if I decided to say fuck it and walk away from the comedy, I could live with it…….. I think.

Right now with the way work is going, I have noticed the enthusiasm and diligence have disappeared from my comedy.  That might translate into not as much preparation and practice, meaning once I get on stage I won’t treat it with the professionalism and respect that it deserves, meaning I will do it half-assedly, meaning I will get half-assed laughs for a half-assed effort, and run out of the club.

My dad always taught me to finish what you start and not give up and quit.  But if I can’t find the joy in comedy again, learn to seperate work from the rest of my day when I get home, quitting may have to be an option because I won’t do it half assed, considering the fact I’ve spent all this time and money to get better because my material was half-assed before.  I always was able to leave the work issues at work, but now I don’t seem to be able to do that as easily as I once did.  Maybe it’s because I am turning 40 very soon, maybe I am just finally getting tired of always having to climb uphill all the time and having to scratch, kick and claw for things that come easier to others.

I am tired of life being a fucking stuggle.  I thought the stuggling was over once I got settled in to my current job, but that does not appear to be the case at all.  This week is a packed house at the club where I finally get the opportunity to perform in a full house.  Plus there is the comedy festival next month.

The next 30 days or so will feature a few sets in front of full comedy audiences.  We will see what results come forth from these shows, because I won’t stick around and try something I’m not heart and soul sold upon.

Trying to accomplish something great and prove others wrong at the comedy is one thing, but when that mindset has to continue outside of comedy and into the workplace, that is where it becomes tiring, frustrating, angry and not fun.  I am done with life being a constant struggle for me, and it both the comedy and my job are like that still after the comedy festival, I may have to think about stepping away once again, or throwing in the towel for good.

Stay tuned…..

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