Don’t Listen To Trevor Dean! He’s Garbage & Doesn’t Mean It! Does He?

Tags: amateur comedians, comedy writing, dating, depression, failure, fear, Nicki Jean, persistence, relationships, stand-up comedy, struggles, The Stand-Up Diaries, trevor dean, Trevor Dean comedian, trevor dean saskatoon, writing

The set this weekend at the comedy club in Regina will be pressure.  One could assume it’s for a number of reasons.  It could be because some of Regina’s funniest comics will be in the audience that night.  It could be the fact that I only have a tight seven minutes, so I need to come out swinging right from the start.  It could also be due to the fact I am getting another chance to build myself back into the hosting rotation down the road.

Now, while all of these have some truth to them, there is one large pink elephant in the room, the most obvious pressure point to me that makes this weekend very tough.

It’s no secret that I have a failed relationship in the books.  But not just any relationship.  No, this was the one.  She was the one I was willing to spend the rest of my life with, to make a future with because she saw a future with me, Trevor.  Yes, I will let that sink in for a moment.  She came to that conclusion of her own free will without the aid of alcohol or drugs.

Regardless of what you think, I can tell you that Nicki does not communicate with me.  I have sent the rare email which goes without a reply.  So, since she still follows the blog and my personal Facebook page, how do I tell the woman that I love, the one who I know God sent to me for a reason, how do I tell her anything?

How do I tell her that I’m hurting?

How do I acknowledge the mistakes I made?

How do I lift her up and place her in the best possible light for the world to see what an amazing woman she is?

Through comedy, and this blog.

I don’t know of any other comedian that does this sort of thing, then again Nicki is not your everyday run-of-the-mill type of woman either.  I did mention before that I originally had zero intentions of having this comedy blog turn into something deeply personal to the point where other comics lose respect for me.  Well, that ship kinda sailed already because half of them lost respect for me a long time ago once they found out I hired a comedy coach.  So, it’s not like I am going to win them over now so I might as well do what I want.

So, back to the question at hand.  How do I communicate all these things to her, and for what purpose?

I have learned a lot during these six weeks we have been apart.  I have this idea of the type of man that God has called me to be.  It’s pretty specific.  I can honestly say that I am a hell of a lot closer to that type of man now, than I was back in October.  That’s not to say in October I was a fraud.  What I am saying however is that my relationship back in October was missing one very key, specific element in both my relationship and in my personal life.  It was the same question for both aspects of my life that I was unable to answer properly, hence things eventually falling apart around me (editor’s note:  I will not make that key question public.  That is something I will only let her know when she asks me in person.  There are some things that are not meant for public consumption on this blog).

Sorry, I should really answer the question from the next-to-last paragraph, shouldn’t I?

I remember covering the question that people asked thinking I put myself above Nicki when I performed my material onstage.  It seems with every joke I write, the story gets more personal about us.  When the story gets more personal, that means the struggles come out, mainly my struggles.  When my struggles come out they tend to make her look better, as they should.

Anyhow, the comedy is the only way I can really communicate to her.  It’s up to her whether or not she listens, as it should be.  Even if she doesn’t listen, it’s therapeutic in a way for me.  Sure, the material I seem to write with each new joke might get a bit more invasive, a bit more personal and get a lot closer to the real Trevor than maybe I would like at times.  Then again, if you can get closer to that truth, you are able to make a better connection with the audience.  At least you should, providing you can structure the jokes in the proper way to generate the laughs.

Not only that, but making myself to be the butt of the jokes about Nicki and myself sort of whittle things down to one commonality.  She is too good for me.  I can plainly see that.  There isn’t a day that’s gone by in these last several weeks that I haven’t thought at least once that I never deserved someone as amazing as her to come strolling into my life to turn everything as I knew upside down.  For some reason each new piece of material gets easier to write while cutting that much closer to the bone for me.

I guess you could say in addition to paying tribute to you and making you look really good (which is pretty easy) on stage, the other thing writing material about our relationship does is that it allows me to look at the relationship from the outside looking in.  Some comics have said they don’t think they get personal enough when talking about failed relationships because if they could they would be in there fixing it.  My take on that is, it doesn’t require me to fix anything by doing something.  I don’t write a joke about it in hopes that I can come up with the magic answer to fix everything.  At the end of the day, it’s the will of God that can only change that.

I fix things in my own way by just talking about it.  Maybe the way I describe a situation helps bring out the humanity, or it really humbles me as a man to the point where it gives the other party a new perspective on things.  Now instead of being mad or hurt, they have a chance to sit back and analyze it from a different point of view to be considered.

This show in Regina this Saturday night will be difficult for an important reason.  Well, maybe two.

First is that I am doing a tight seven minute set as a guest spot.  When you have that short a time, it’s critical that the first joke you tell gets your set off the ground, gives it some legs to get running, establishing credibility with the audience.

The other part is that 80% of the material for Saturday night will be brand new, and all about Nicki and our relationship.  Some of it cuts deep, a bit deeper than before.  In this new set I will talk about two of the actual reasons why she walked away.  You read that right.

I guess the other thing is with such a short set, it’s important that once I get a hold of the audience, and the opening jokes get some legs under them, that I am then able to lead them wherever I want to go, and they will follow me.  That is pretty powerful.  At my last set in Saskatoon at the Laugh Shop, while I didn’t get solid laughs on every joke, at least I got a reaction on every joke.  I still felt as if I was leading them where I needed to go.  I could have went off the grid and told a few knock knock jokes, or a ‘yo mama joke and they would have willingly followed me (I believe).  It’s important for me to connect with the material on Saturday night.  The only way to do that is to have it cut deep, which it does.  The other way is to give it the real emotion it deserves.  So from start to finish I have to be on top of things with the emotion.  Regina is a good room to do comedy in at the club.  Last time I was there I wasn’t necessarily polished and I got a pretty good response.  I am thinking if I apply myself and do what I know I’m capable of, the jokes will work as written, meaning I will the audience on a quick, wild ride from start to finish that they will remember.

It’s going to be a difficult set to do, and part of the pressure is what can I say that will get her attention, to see that I am changing, to see that this really does affect me like I say it does?  How many more opportunities will I have to have her listen?  More importantly, will she be able to go “deeper” into my set, meaning will she be able to see past the material and the laughs to get a sense of the pain and loss that I feel?  Do my expressions on stage give it away, or does the material itself speak to something deeper?  Whenever I feel like my back is against the wall and I have maybe a millimeter or two of wiggle room, I always come out swinging.  This will be no different, especially because I don’t know how many chances like this one I will have again.

It bears repeating that in just over 4 years and 3 months, there have been over 6,650 visits and over 18,170 views of the Stand-Up Diaries.  Originally this was to be a comedy blog, then almost two years ago (next week) the woman I’ve dreamed about and prayed for finally walked into my life and it’s never been the same since.  Have I made mistakes?  You bet.  Am I perfect?  Far from it.  Are you sick of the drama that you believe I create by putting my relationship in the spotlight like this?  Guess what?  I could care less what you think.  You think I’m a joke, then don’t read this.

This is Saskatoon’s only comedy blog (that I know of).  It’s my creation.  I’ve only had two other people as guest editors, them being Veronica and Charmaine (editors note:  watch for another posting from Charmaine coming soon).  I had a techie friend of mine offer to revamp the blog to give it a more polished look.  I am now on Twitter with this, and authors and publishers in the USA have commented it’s a good read.

At the end of the day I do what I feel needs to be done.  If I need to gt this personal and this deep while relating it to comedy, though not entirely, then that’s my right.  I know she reads it.  I know that the people who are important to me, who are true friends, they are the ones who read this and keep up on things.

Having said that, once again this is a note for Nicki, since this is really only one of two ways, the other being on stage, that I can communicate to her.

Nicki, let’s just say that I “caught wind” of what you did today.  I am not mad, on the contrary.  I want to say thank you.  I can explain in private how exactly I caught wind of it.

The way I see it, there is a courage and depth to you that continues to amaze me every day, although after almost two years it probably shouldn’t.  If memory serves me correctly, it will be two years next week since you came along, since God brought two selfish people together to be as one.  We were selfish in the sense that we were not looking for anything serious, but one of my regrets is that I did not ask you to be my girlfriend much, much sooner.  It took me 2.5 months of surrounding myself with the wrong type of woman to finally see the right one standing in front of me.

I love you with a depth, a power and a passion that I did not communicate to you clearly before, in part because I wasn’t mature enough to understand it.  Now I do.  All because of that one key question/principle that should have applied equally to my personal life and to our relationship, one that I wasn’t able to identify and apply, maybe because it wasn’t to be at that point.

My love for you will never die.  I would follow you to the ends of the Earth for your love, until the day that I die.  I will never give up on you.  Ever.  I believe that I got delivered from the trial and from spending three years in prison because of you.  I pray for you and your family every day.  Tonight at church I got pretty personal and humbling with my prayer for you.  I started to shake, tears in my eyes.  Yes, shit got that real.

Though nothing would make me happier to see you in the audience in Regina, I know you will not be there.  You are more than welcome to come if you wish, should you consider it.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you, the impact you have had on my life while thinking about the future we were to have together.  The road trips, a wedding, the trip to Los Angeles, family gatherings and so much more.

In case you haven’t noticed, there are times where I ask big.  I dream big.  I plan big.  I prepare for big.  Most of the time it happens the way I expect it to, in victory for me.  I have a big prayer that I prayed about you tonight.  I actually got that put into my spirit today when standing in line at Grandma Lees getting Ruth’s Cheesy Pepper Pot soup.  It’s a prayer that I believe will come true.  Of course it’s about you, but it’s specific…….that’s all I can say about it for now.  I know if you are interested you will ask about it.

If I was to pass from this Earth next week, and Saturday nights set was the last chance to “see” me, it is my sincerest hope, prayer and wish that you’d be able to know in your heart not only how I feel about you, but also the depth of the pain losing you has caused.  You may not realize it, but you have inspired me to rise higher and to be better than what I was the day before.  It’s caused me to go on a different journey than I expected, one that is completely different from what I took back in October.  This journey is more important, it’s more related to my future.

When I look into your eyes, it really is like time standing still.  That look in your eyes that says to me “you are unbelievable…..you can do anything…..I love you….” stops me in my tracks.  It’s burned into my mind.  There are more important things to say to you, but they will not be a part of another blog entry.  Those things I shall save for you in person.  If I did hear you correctly, and next week is the two years since we met, I would like to do something that I consider to be special for it.  It’s nothing fancy, nothing costly.  It’s something simple and low key that I am sure you would appreciate, something that I would treasure forever because I shared it with you.

I always said that Trevor Dean could not exist without you.  I still believe that to be true.  There are times when I need you to lift me up, as I try to do with you when I am on stage to showcase you in the best possible light.  I thank God for all that you are, your strengths and your weaknesses.  I hope that Saturdays set will tell you a story that you haven’t heard before, about what you mean to me.

I’ve been at this comedy thing for almost 4.5 years now.  Even though you came in right around the middle, you stood up for me when nobody else would.  You were my #1 cheerleader and biggest fan.  Your words sowed seeds of belief and victory into me when none existed, even when I didn’t nurture those seeds to watch them grow on stage.  My family may not support me in my comedy, but you and your family, relatives and friends have, or at least they did.

Saturday night will be tough, not only because I don’t believe you will be there, but also because the material won’t be easy to get through.  I love you more than you know, more than you will possibly ever be able to comprehend.  You are the wind beneath my comedic wings.  I still hope you will sit in the front row at a show one day soon, where you belong.

I haven’t given up on comedy yet, despite all the shit I’ve been through.  I certainly won’t give up on you.  The things I have said I would tell you in private (not posting on here), when you hear them, it will make more sense.

That is all I can tell you for now.  It’s 3:46 a.m. and I am exhausted.  Watch the video from the set Saturday not with your eyes, but with your heart.  Then it will make sense.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for following along in this tale of Trevor Dean.  Your kind words of support mean a lot.

Saturday night I am going to do what I do best.  Prepare and come out swinging, because I have very little wiggle room.  Well, that and my future, my life……kinda depends on it.  I want to be a boyfriend, a husband, and a father to a baby, in addition to being the type of role model young children need in their lives.

Goodnight from Saskatoon.  God bless you all.