What Matters Anymore?

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“You know, the older I get, the more things I gotta leave behind. That’s life.” – Rocky Balboa

One of the things I didn’t expect to leave behind as I got older was the relationship with my family.  But sadly, that seems to be the case although not by choice.

Since I have been enjoying the summer off from working, there have been a few of these “a-ha” moments that make me think I should have started comedy a lot sooner than I did.  If you wonder why I’d even consider pursuing comedy, all you would have to do is take a look at my life to see why.

Contrary to what some might think, my childhood was a decent one growing up, I guess you’d define it as middle class.  It’s once I graduated from high school and became an adult that the wheels started to fall off.

The lack of a relationship my family has chosen to have in my adult life has really shaped who I have become as an adult.  That’s something I’m not proud of, used to shame me because their lack of support has lead me down a path of self-destructive behaviour.

Not self-destructive in the sense that it’s because of substance abuse.  No, it’s more like finding different ways over the years to self-sabotage some key relationships in my life at key moments.  When the self-esteem or confidence isn’t quite there as it isn’t in my case at times, I tend to make these same decisions over and over again.  It’s like recognizing the short-term gain and forgetting about the long-term pain.

Fortunately, I have been able to develop some key relationships within the last few years that are really helping me to overcome those patterns of self-sabotage.  While they aren’t fully dealt with yet as nobody is perfect, it is allowing me to deal with those issues through the writing of new material.  So it’s therapeutic in that sense.

It just sucks when you feel as if you have nobody that close to you that will initiate the conversation to see how you are.  Yeah, it might sound a bit whiny but I don’t like to be a pest.  Besides, sometimes you find out who is in your corner, and to what degree when they initiate contact with you once things hit the skids.  Sure I have the summer off, but it’s lonely and boring at times.  But more lonely than anything; because of that I haven’t had the motivation to write much lately, let alone complete the core values assignment I received from my life coach.

You know, it’s pretty fucking sad when your family chooses to keep you in the dark about a family member being in the hospital.  If they think I’m that much of a failure as a son then they should come out and at least have the guts to say it.  They used to call and ask me to come spend my birthday with them, dad’s birthday with them, and father’s day.  But I don’t get those phone calls anymore.  Not since I got fired from my job without a reason.  That’s right.  How are you to know why you got fired when nobody tells you anything to your face?

I believe on some level they are failures as human beings, and failures as parents.

You want to know the worst part?  I honestly believe they could care less, because it’s all my fault because I have to be different from everybody else.  So now here I sit, alone at 2:40 a.m. writing.  I don’t have a family anymore.  That’s sad.  What’s worse is I am not sure that I will ever have a family of my own, let alone find a family to be a part of ever again.

There is no material that could make that funny.  Not now.  Maybe down the road, but right now it’s kind of hard to envision it being funny when you’ve come to the realization that you are unemployed, without a family, single and alone.

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