The Decision – The Last Post Ever

Tags: church, Faith Alive church, stand-up diaries, The Stand-Up Diaries, trevor dean

The very first post I wrote was titled “The Decision”.  It’s only fitting that the last post has that same title.

I put both Facebook comedy pages back online so that this last post would reach the widest audience possible.  I am not sure where exactly to start, so I will just start with what I am feeling here and now.

A while back I had mentioned that I was going to take the rest of this year and next off from the local comedy scene.  I also mentioned that I wouldn’t post anything more for the rest of the year, under the opinion that the local comedy scene has let me down repeatedly and done absolutely nothing for me.

While that is still true and plays a part in my decision, there is another factor that looms much larger in its scope of influence on me to stop the blog, and quite possibly comedy all together, but more on that later.

Over the last twelve years or so I have bounced around from church to church.  I always wanted to try and find a permanent home but it always felt like with each church I went to that something was missing.  Well, with the new church I am attending, what I thought was missing has grabbed a hold of me and will not let me go.

I am attending Faith Alive church now.  For the life of me I cannot understand why somebody would leave Faith Alive and go someplace else.  Everything is different about Faith Alive from the last church I went to, and the others.  I guess the biggest difference is that other churches would have prayer nights and have maybe five or six people show up, because their kids are involved in sports or other activities, or people are just too busy with life.

But with Faith Alive, their prayer nights  are half to three quarters full most weeks. The families there make God their first priority, not sports or the busyness of life. Then again, maybe having a church school and bible college on campus with the church helps in families get more connected that way.

The worship music is different, the people are different and the pastor, well, you can tell God operates through him, just from the way he speaks.  He challenges you to live for God and go deeper to seek His will for your life.  Other sermons used to bore me, but this pastor gets your attention and keeps it, helping me take my mind off of my situation and let his words impact me.

Back in February I was still unemployed for over 18 months, and walked to the Friendship Inn on a regular basis to either eat or volunteer (it’s been a mixture of both though more volunteering lately).  I would take the same route coming and going during a 40 minute walk.

Coming back home I would always get to the top of the Broadway Bridge just before five corners, and turn left onto Saskatchewan Crescent.  Then I would take my first right after looking at the nice houses and find the sign outside of the church that advertised prayer clinics on Thursday nights.  Well, after passing that sign, day after day, I finally got tired of my inaction and checked the prayer clinic out.

Without getting into detail, within a month of taking in the prayer clinic the employment situation changed, and the sermon spoke the following day spoke directly to situations in my past that the pastor had no knowledge of.  They were situations that most people don’t have to deal with.  From that point on I was hooked. Plus, there are five pastors at Faith Alive.  Yes, five.  I used to wonder why they needed five, but it now makes sense.  Each has a different responsibility within the ministry, and all the pastors kinda got in my face in their own way to challenge me to seek God further.

It is my honest belief that if you go to church and don’t go to Faith Alive, you don’t want to change that badly.  You don’t want to feel His presence in church.  You don’t want to be lead or challenged by a true Godly pastor.  It’s that simple.

Anyhow, back to me.

Over the last few weeks the messages have affected me on a far deeper level than what I first realized.  They are starting to get to the heart of my issues both on a personal level and regarding why I haven’t been able to go deeper into my relationship/worship with Him.  Suddenly, instead of not wanting to write the blog out of spite for the local comedy scene, I now don’t have those thoughts anymore. It’s more to do with a change in seasons for me and sensing that there is a bigger purpose for my life to which I have been called and am in the process of seeking.

My dad talked to me yesterday and said “your job should be the most important thing in your life.  If you don’t have a job, what’s more important than that?”  Or somebody volunteering at the Friendship Inn on Friday said “I believe in a higher power but I don’t believe in God or Jesus, and I believe in the devil.”

Situations like that are now starting to stir up my spirit, wanting to engage in a conversation with them.  I haven’t got to that point yet, but the fact those comments stir up my spirit is a good sign, a sign of change.

I used to think that ending the blog was going to come when I got tired of doing comedy and tired of writing.  I am not so sure that I’m tired of it as much as it’s more of a change of seasons for myself, and it’s one I am at peace with.  I thought should I try to pray about this and maybe give it some time to sort itself out?  In the end, it needs no prayer, no consultation with anyone.  It may seem sudden, but I am at peace with it.  The domain will be renewed in January and the site will be active for you to read for 2018 at least.  I haven’t decided yet whether or not to shut down the domain entirely and delete the blog forever.  That’s a decision we will save for several months down the road.  Or, I could sell the domain to somebody and have them take over the site.  Only time will tell (nobody will ever see the content of the three posts that are password protected either.  For all you know, they could contain names and some pretty bold statements about certain people)

I need to take a greater responsibility for my spiritual journey to seek His will for my life.  It’s one that I ran from and kind of half-assedly attempted.  The good news is that despite my mistakes and (low) level of commitment towards God,  I’ve still been blessed and lead into seasons of my life that I could not have accomplished on my own.

I am not perfect, in fact far from it.  Going to church does not make me a better person than you, I think it just shows I am willing to leave what ego and pride I have left at the door, and to walk in humbly with a true desire to change.  Plus, I owe it to the pastors of Faith Alive who have gotten in my face to challenge me, to go deeper into relationship.  This all may sound a bit strange to some of you, but until you have attended a service at Faith Alive, you cannot help but be moved by the power that is in that place.  I mean, there were days where I was angry at God or didn’t think anything good would come out of church, but when the power is present it does move you, whether you want it to or not.  It will grab a hold of you and not let go.

At this point in my life I am tired of the struggle, for sure.  I get more of a satisfaction of giving away the fruits of my harvest from the garden or helping in the kitchen at the Friendship Inn.  The genuine sincerity of the thanks I receive gives me joy.  It’s a privilege to serve others and to give.  Sitting down to write a blog about comedy doesn’t matter anymore.  It isn’t important.  It serves no purpose going forward.  It’s part of my story, to be sure.  But every season has a beginning and an end.  This is the end of the blog season.

Which leaves one more question unanswered.  What will become of Trevor Dean?

I know that a previous post mentioned I would not do anymore open mics until the end of 2018.  Well, you can change that to forever.  I will not be coming back to the open mics in Saskatoon.  The local comedy scene has let me down, every single one of you has let me down, and you know what?  That is okay.  You don’t have what it takes within you to want to step out and step up, to help me with more than just your words.

This is something I didn’t pray about a lot.  I knew my spirit would lead me in the right direction regarding my comedy career.

What I have decided is this.  It’s true that the only times you will see me on stage in Saskatoon ever again will be for either a fundraiser, corporate shows or getting paid from The Laugh Shop.  That’s it.

However, I have thought about the idea of asking The Laugh Shop to book me for one show in Saskatoon early next year, and have that be my last show live and in person, ever.  I’m presently on the fence about that one.  I mean look, if The Laugh Shop gave me an opening slot and said they wanted to go in other directions with new performers, and didn’t have slots open for me, I would be totally at peace with their decision.  In the meantime I will still write and put together a half hour to open with, but it won’t be a priority like it was so much in the past.  I would still do the Dope Fades shows on occasion, and certainly go back to Los Angeles do hit the open mics there once a year.  Maybe hit an open mic in Edmonton or Regina once in a blue moon.

Comedy does not define my life anymore.  I want my life to be defined by what I do for God.

I am not sure whether or not I will delete my Facebook comedy page.  It’s been up since I started almost six years ago, and currently has 193 likes.  I know that my posts on the comedy page reach a far greater audience, and it’s nice to know I have that kind of reach.

So, since this is the last blog post I will ever write, I will get my thank yous out of the way now.

First isn’t much of a thank you, but to recognize why I got coaching in the first place. If it wasn’t for the way Dez Reed treated me, I wouldn’t have had the motivation to prove him wrong, which I have done.  Regardless of what issues a person has, if you are a professional in your field, you should be a mentor instead of being a bully and an ass.  If I would have known beforehand all the grief you would cause me, there is no way I would ever have gotten involved in comedy.  But, once you became a bully, threatening me and trashing me on stage week after week, that’s when I dug my heels in and was determined to make you eat your words.  That first night back to your comedy club after I started coaching, you made a bet that I would suck that night.  You lost that bet.  Ever since then I have become a bit more consistent than I was at the start of my career.

Charmaine, if it wasn’t for you suggesting that I take time away from his comedy club, I would never have arrived to the point that I needed someone to help me with comedy.  Thank you.

To Connie, thanks for being part of the audience in the beginning and helping Dez paint the club when it was at Joe’s downtown.

To Jennifer, thanks for making the road trip with me to Regina for those open mics on Saturday nights.  I remember you were the only female in the sparsely attended room.  The host had fun with it though.

To Jae Lynn, thank you for being excited for me when I started comedy, and for coming out to watch in those first couple of years.

To the local comedy scene, well, there isn’t any thanks that need to be given.  I’ve explained how I feel already in great detail.

To Veronica, thanks for writing post #200 and for being the one who left comments the most over the last five plus years (you still owe me that cake).  You were there at the beginning and when Carnac got his start.  Though you have many responsibilities on your plate, you seem to find time for them all, somehow.  Every time I am at Crackers to watch the karaoke league nights you are in, you are the only one that will always get up and come say hi.  Every time.  You are a good friend.

To my comedy coach Jerry Corley, it’s been a great ride so far.  I have no idea how you have the passion for comedy that you do every single day.  This isn’t the end of our relationship, perhaps part of a new chapter in my comedy career.  Only time will tell, but I will definitely still come back to L.A. and we will hit the open mics together.

My life coach, Scott Epp of Abundance Coaching, you have believed in me right from the beginning and have gone above and beyond what is necessary to help me.  You were there before I started comedy, you were there through everything.  You know me better than most and still sow seeds of positivity into my life.

I would like to thank my family, but they have done nothing for my comedy career, let alone to support me in anything I have chosen to do in life.  To them, with each failure comes more questions and judgement upon me.  Not a lot of fun.  We get along, but still, it could be better.

Thanks for my representative for booking me on The Laugh Shop and sticking with me lately.  Like with my comedy coach, I am unsure what the future holds but I am excited about the possibility of having us pursue this new chapter of my life still in partnership together.

And lastly, to Nicki.  There isn’t much more I can say that already hasn’t been said. You were a big part of this journey in comedy for me, although we never really enjoyed it like we should have.  Going to Los Angeles was not the same without you. There is still a void in my life that has not been filled since you left.  Whether that void gets filled with more of God, with you, or with somebody else remains to be seen.  You know me better than anyone, the good and the bad, at least you used to. I am a different person from what you knew in some ways.  I know you got your own stuff to work through, I just wanted to say thanks.  Unsure of what the future holds but at least you know where I stand.  You always have.

I am pretty sure that I will get at least one slot at The Laugh Shop to host in the future.  So you will have one more chance to see me live in Saskatoon.  After that, it’s anybody’s guess.  Keep your eyes peeled for Facebook posts when I get those plans finalized, if they ever do.

So, ladies and gentlemen, we have come to the end.  You can leave a comment if you wish.

Goodbye.