C’mon, Fake It. You Know You Want To……

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The fact I went the whole month of November without posting anything shows you the level of engagement I have within the current comedy community.  A few new shows have opened up, but I do not feel as if I would be genuinely welcomed.  You can tell how people really feel when you fail, trip or stumble.  Let’s just say…. ah, who gives a shit?  The same issues persist.

It used to be when I entered a contest or comedy competition, I used to be excited or have nervous energy in anticipation of my performance.  I always used to say that you need belief.  If you don’t have it in comedy, you are screwed.  Well, not only do I not have belief, I feel like I am near the bottom in terms of popularity (as I always have been) and in ability to put on a good show.

The lady I was “seeing” liked to remind me on more than a few occasions how my last performance didn’t work.  Gee, thanks.  I don’t need to hear your unsupportive comments more than once.  I am not an idiot. You gave me an audience members perspective.  I have been doing this ten years, I’ve sucked way more often than I have succeeded, and the term succeeded is being generous.  I watched the video.  It was shit.  I deleted it.  I know what didn’t work.  Next time I will go over all your shortcomings for a couple days, repeating myself several times.  Let’s see how that works for your self-esteem.

So, if I don’t believe in my ability, why am I bothering to perform one more time in 2021?  Maybe it’s because there is a decent audience, that’s an actual comedy audience that will pay attention, versus the usual types you get that attend an open mic night in a pub or bar.

It’s all about the start for me.  If I can’t give my set a decent lift off the ground to start with, I am in trouble.  Then again, I haven’t performed that much lately so it’s kind of hard to get into a rhythm of a good start.  It isn’t easy doing shows that you want momentum for when everyone is so spread out and there are only a couple of tables occupied.  But that’s how open mic nights usually go.

I had a lousy last couple of days and for a brief moment felt alone tonight.  I was at a function with a bunch of guys, and three others sat at a table with me.  All three left, and for about five minutes I was by myself.  I thought, wow, comedy imitates life, from being alone on the stage to being alone at the table.  Factor in people who don’t believe I can be funny when it counts on stage, and it made for a wonderful night.  Of course, I am being sarcastic.

I would like to say that I’m happy, given certain changes in my life recently, but that hasn’t manifested itself in the way I would have hoped.  I am appreciated one minute.  No…. that’s more like appreciated for 30 seconds and dumped on for several minutes, then the cycle repeats itself.  It used to be fun.  I used to have the desire and feel the responsibility to want to work on my material to do a good job.  Now, I don’t even give a shit enough to get a haircut before my next appearance.  Not that it is a bad thing, because it might help me with what I would wear that night.

I didn’t have supper until 10 p.m. and had it delivered by a guy that couldn’t read instructions properly, and the food came cold.  This has not been a fun week.

I have seen lots of comics before a show get all quiet, wanting to be alone so they can concentrate on their material.  I have been told that before shows I am sometimes too quiet, not sociable.  Well, when you are treated with a lack of respect by some, it shapes your world view, however skewed it may be.  I am just usually quiet nowadays, hoping I can figure out what to do for material, and trying to talk myself up, trying to incite that belief I talked about before.

Christmas doesn’t help either.  Nobody close to celebrate with, because she refuses to, so I am left with the joyless, negative, resentful family.  Christmas hasn’t had any meaning for years.  I thought meeting somebody new would help, but when they have their head up their ass and refuse to spend time with you during the holidays when they told peeps you were dating, yeah, it’s fantastic.  A real boost to the self-esteem.  I thought Christmas was supposed to be a special time, one that’s about giving, not giving with strings attached.  I could sleep all day on Christmas and not miss anything.

I would say more, you know, like get honest and real like I always have throughout this blog, but some people would use that against me.  Imagine that, being honest and authentic, and having people get on their high horse and beat you down with it.  If I was a dick and didn’t give a shit, I would get on stage and slay certain people who are like this.  Then again, that would require me to be better than I am, which I’m not sure of at the moment.  Ain’t no rabbits coming out of this hat.  Not today, not for the rest of the year.  I’ll probably be mediocre and average, or slightly below average, at best, for my last appearance of the year.

I would like to say I can get on stage and fake it or be apathetic towards my set and have it work, but I cannot.  I tried having confidence at the start of my last set and constantly got reminded of how it failed.  It probably won’t be much fun, considering that nobody I know will come to watch, but at least it’s the last appearance of the year for me.  You watch, I won’t record it, and I will knock it out of the park.

Hey, stop laughing.  A guy can dream, can’t he?

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