A Main Course of Disappointment, Arrogance and Alienation? What’s For Dessert?

Tags: discouragement, Saskatoon, Saskatoon comedians, stand-up comedy, standup diaries, struggle, The Stand-Up Diaries, the standup diaries, trevor dean, Trevor Dean comedian, trevor dean saskatoon

Have you seen the movie The Family Man?  Of course you haven’t.  I’ve talked about it on here before.  It’s the show where Nic Cage, in my favourite movie of his to watch, gets thrust into a different life from the corporate executive he is.  All because of one simple decision he made years ago, deciding to take an internship in London with a financial firm, instead of sticking back at home with the love of his life, who wanted him to stay.

He wakes up one morning in a great penthouse apartment in a high-rise building, with the money, the cars, the ability to travel or do anything he would like, though he is single and alone, but it doesn’t seem to bother him.  I suppose wealth, power and professional success will do that to a person.

So, he wakes up one day to find……. yes, I am aware that I wrote about this before.  But you know what?  I don’t give a shit.  I have written this for ten years and almost 400 posts and still get treated like a doormat.  It’s a good feeling to know people are only nice to you because you run a show.  Anyhow, back to the story….

He wakes up to find his character having married his sweetheart from all those years ago, because he decided to stay and not go to London.  It was a glimpse of what his life could have been like, had he chose “us” instead of choosing “me”.

By the way, don’t every get into such a deep sleep that when you wake up, you kick your laptop off the bed and onto the floor.  That isn’t a good idea.  Then again, it’s easy to have a nice sleep like that when you aren’t inhaling mould living in a shit basement in the hood with no privacy.  Yes, I have moved.  Where are my cookies?

I watch that movie on the rare occasion when I need to gain some perspective on life.  These days, I shut the comments off on the blog posts because people don’t comment on them anymore, much less read the posts.

At this stage of my life, after all the shit I’ve gone through with everything I never thought I would have a woman choose to treat me the way the local comedy scene has.  But, alas, here we are.

There is someone that I did see that made it a point to make it all about themselves and treat me very poorly in the process.  When people treat you like that, it’s a reflection of who they are.  It’s disappointing, much like the way some people in the local scene have treated me, or should I say have treated me with an heir of indifference.  Don’t you love my linguistics on this post?  Does that sentence even make sense?

Sometimes the one person you’d like to talk to about the comedy scene and how it affects your life, chooses not to make themselves available because they are too selfish to really care, to see how their mistreatment has affected another person. Sure, they may not have the power to change anything, but the fact they could listen and maybe offer ideas or support would be nice.  It would be.

That has parallels to the comedy community here.  I get the sense that everyone else is all collaborating together and including each other, recommending each other for shows or opportunities.  Everyone but me.  That’s telling.

The local pro club in the city has had a string of local acts lately that are getting paid to appear.  That’s great.  Some I can see that deserve it, and others I wonder how it happened.  Some headliners recommend certain folk to be on the bill with them, while I end up chasing my own tail trying to find the right contact person to inquire about spots.

When you help one person succeed in the local comedy community, it should be a win for all of us.  People going back on their word, slandering me, throwing me under the bus, that’s become commonplace.  Makes you feel like no matter what you do, it isn’t enough, kind of like with the girl I saw.

In that regard, I tried to be positive and supportive moreso than I usually am.  I know that’s crazy to imagine, but it was so true, just like a story from the National Enquirer.  When you try doing the right thing, getting other people involved in your projects (radio show), you would hope that things would come full circle and you’d get your opportunity to have your generosity repaid.  Not a fucking chance.  Wait.  I’m mixing up the chick and how local comics treat me.  Welcome to my world.  I need another cookie.

It is a double whammy that I don’t really need.  I saw myself having a future with this woman, partly because I saw what she could become and tried to help her get there.  Maybe all that time, effort and energy was a mistake when they didn’t want to make me a priority to begin with.  In the same breath, it’s discouraging to feel left out of these opportunities for shows that pop up all over the place.  Some comics have received opportunity and they aren’t attending open mics at a significantly higher rate than I.  It isn’t a very good feeling, especially when you’ve been around as long as I have, and supposedly have friends among comics that say they are in your corner.  How could I tell?

I don’t have a malicious bone in my body, and have never gone out of my way to purposely trash somebody for no reason.  I have that happen to me, so why would I feel the need to do that to others?  Instead of support I get backlash, thrown under the bus or treated with arrogance or indifference, both from this woman and from the comics that are supposed to be my friends.  At a time when the scene is growing, there seems to be a movement to keep me where I’m at.  You can’t say there have been any actions to the contrary on this point.

For years I struggled with shit jobs for shit pay.  Then I was homeless, then I had no car.  Now I have a good job that pays well for a role that I consider easy for me.  I thought once I had the good job, respect from my employer and being paid and treated what I am worth, and getting a nice, new car, then moving into a great place, I thought things would be better.  I was wrong.  They aren’t that much better than before, other than the fact I am in a safer area of the city.

How about this, instead of talking down to me, why not take an interest, help and want to be part of the solution instead of making me feel like it’s an impossible mountain to climb on my own.

Just keep this in mind.  When I got the radio show, I got every comic I knew on the show because I wanted to expose them to a greater audience.  Now that all these new shows are popping up, I’m the only one getting left behind.  Makes sense, doesn’t it?

It’s discouraging and sad on both fronts (the woman and comedy).  In the woman case, I would like to talk to the person, but attitude and arrogance rule the roost once again, having them making it all about themselves.  Forget the fact I am struggling and not as cheery as I usually am.  When we talked about how I was being treated about a month ago, she said she had to defend herself, as if she didn’t hear what I was saying, didn’t care what kind of an effect her treatment had on me.  If the other person really loves you, they will listen and maybe acknowledge that they have mistreated you. When somebody feels the need to defend their actions instead of apologize, that’s demoralizing, especially when you’ve given all you can to have very little given back in return.

I don’t deserve being left behind at all.  In both instances of the woman and comedy, I’ve given far too much while receiving next to nothing in return.  Sometimes, I could use a little help but people are too arrogant, too busy or too indifferent to ask.  Maybe they don’t want to appear like being too much of a friend because I might write about them.  At the end of the day, people should do the right thing because it’s right.  When they don’t it doesn’t leave me with a feeling that those around me are really interested or rooting for my success.  This is why after shows I don’t hang around the comics much, or if I do, I won’t engage in conversation that much.  Why bother trying to make inroads when it’s never reciprocated?

I am sure that if the woman or comics (you know who you are) I am referring to read this post, instead of digesting my words and trying to work together to come up with a solution, maybe even admit to things they could have or should have done better, I’ll get attacked, told it’s all my fault, won’t get an apology, let alone an admission that maybe they fell short in how I was treated.  We are all human, sometimes we would like the other person to admit they maybe missed the mark or could have done more.  But it’s way easier for the woman or comics to bash me instead or to defend their actions, instead of thinking things through and realizing hey, I could have done more, why did they feel that way?  Let’s work together to make sure they don’t feel like this again.

It’s been ten years I’ve written this, and I am the only comic I know of that will go to any lengths to talk about their struggles.  You may think I have no case and am delusional, you may think I am a whiner and not deserving of any help, but at the end of the day, at least I have the courage to come forward and say what I feel and think.  Last time I checked, I’m well ahead of every other comic in that department.

I have many faults, and am far from perfect.  But, that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be treated the same way you treat everyone else, better than me.  Also, I am not fake.  If I am struggling or hurt, I will say it because I know what it’s like to be in a dark place, to be depressed.  Even if everyone else reading this doesn’t give enough of a shit to help, at least I put it out there.  So go ahead, bash me because it will make you feel so much better in the end, right?