The Long & Winding Road

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I’m not sure how to word this, but I will try my best. This week has really sucked, leaving me with an empty, demoralizing feeling. With each passing day of silence the hurt grows and intensifies. Then there is my personal situation which very few know of, that may impact my ability to perform for the foreseeable future, but we won’t know that outcome until the end of the year.

But there is good that comes from being ignored, thrown under the bus, mislead and disrespected. And it comes from two great people, Axl and Veronica.  More on their roles in a moment.

Both this week mentioned that they are happy to see I’m still pursuing comedy and that things have improved since I first started. I’ve been arrested, assaulted, dumped, lied to, embarrassed, humiliated, left out, homeless, jobless, been fired and laid off, kicked out, chewed up and spit out, ignored. I’ve also been a shining example of how not to act when your girlfriend needs you the most.

I have disappointed a lot of people in my life. A LOT. Some people that I know I have disappointed I could care less about, because I know they have absolutely no wiggle room to be critical of others.  That shit I can let go.

Then there are the people I’ve disappointed that bothers me.  The people who stand by me, support me, and do what they can to help only to watch me fall again, and again, and again.  It’s sometimes comical to watch, other times heartbreaking, and at times disappointing.  When I disappoint somebody it’s not intentional.  But sometimes old wounds and old habits that you mask as coping skills turn out to be not only self destructive, but the ones close to you could view it as being vindictive against them.

Then in a way it makes perfect sense why I would do comedy, doesn’t it?  The self-destructive behaviour, the insecurities, the loneliness, wanting to be loved and accepted in spite of it all.   Sometimes I am surprised that I didn’t get into this sooner if this is the way I’ve been for years.

Now, back to the people I mentioned off the top, Axl (not his real name….not sure what he would prefer that I call him) and Veronica.  Both of those people told me this past week that I’ve made real strides considering the first couple years and how things didn’t get even 2% better from month to month to month.  They appreciate the fact that I still keep going and pursuing what makes me happy.  It’s because of that, that I came to a conclusion I would not have otherwise arrived at a long time ago.

It never bothered me that I disappointed myself because I never cared enough to fix things, probably because there was nobody really in my life during those times who would give me the incentive and help needed to straighten up and do the right thing.  The type of person I described is within the context of a relationship.

I had her once, she was everything I ever wanted.  She thought enough of me to surprise me at work with a cake to celebrate my MC gigs at the Park Town’s comedy club last November, marking my return to the local comedy stage for the first time in 18 months.  The truth is, I never really knew how much that meant to me until the hurt began.

I guess the point I am trying to make is I believe in my heart that I can salvage this relationship I had with such an amazing woman, but how?

I will do it the only way that I know how to, and that’s by going forward.  No matter how hard her silence or words may hit, I must keep moving forward much like a boxer.  I haven’t had a lot of success in comedy, but the times where I did chalk up a “win” was from continuing to work at it, buy never giving up because I believed that brighter days were ahead.  That’s a tough thing to do, especially when you cannot see any light at all in front of you.  At times it’s fucking hopeless, frustrating and demoralizing with no end in sight at times, but I still keep going because that’s the only way I know to be.

If I disappointed myself by giving up on this relationship or comedy, I’d never forgive myself.  My parents would be happy if I quit comedy, and their indifference and silence on that subject eats away at my insides.  If I quit on my relationship I would never hear the end of it from them, so basically either way I can’t really win.  So the best thing to do is to keep trying.

I cannot give up on either, because I know there are unanswered questions for both that I am going to figure out the answer too one day soon.  There are better days ahead for each, I just can’t see them.  The comedy tunnel I can see light, albeit barely.  With the relationship as of right now I see no light at all, and anytime that I try to search for the light, I feel like somebody blindfolds me and spins me around to make me lose my place every time I try taking a step.

These next couple months til the end of the year will be trying on stage.  If I sound a bit more angry, frustrated and out of sorts, part of it will be due to this character I’m trying to work through.  But a larger part will be because it’s truly the way that I feel right now….frustrated, hurt, alone and out of sorts.  The way for me to try and deal with this stuff is to write and make it funny.

Thanks again to Axl and Veronica for being great friends and supportive.  I’m thinking that I need all the help I can get in these next few months, as they will set the course for the next year.

Life is short, and the times we have together are fleeting.  If you know of somebody trying in life, even if they fail more often than not, I ask you to encourage them today.  Be patient with that person, be kind, ask questions.  But most importantly, don’t go to bed at the end of the day thinking you’ve done all you can to help that person or their situation because there may be times when you haven’t.  Just to be there and listen rather than shut people out means the world to the ones that fail, who struggle with getting it right.  Failing and being reminded of it hurts enough.  We need to be uplifted as well.

We should try to follow the example of Jesus.  There are lots of instances in the Bible where people did bad things.  Their repentance and asking for forgiveness was all that was needed for a new lease on life for that person.  Build each other up, create dialogue and just be there, be available.


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