Pest Prevention

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I used to live on Avenue C North, north of 33rd Street around 2005. I was in school from EI taking my Business Management diploma course, started attending church and was an adult literacy tutor.

I didn’t know much about mice and their migratory habits when I first moved in. It wasn’t a duplex, mire like two houses joined together in the middle. It was a seniors care home and I was in the basement. I remember my family hated moving me here, because my brother and dad spent about an hour trying to get my grandma’s old hide-a-bed down the narrow stairwell and into this basement suite. Lots of f-words were used in the process.

Anyways, I can’t remember exactly when it happened, but there quickly became a mouse problem in the house. There was a subfloor underneath my floor, you could hear it when you walked in certain spots in the floor. It was suggested to me that I should invest in a mousetrap. Maybe two.

For those of you that aren’t aware, mice like to travel along the baseboards of a house, at least they did with mine. There was a spot in the corner where the subfloor was that they would all congregate to. They always seemed to come out at night also, never during the day.

Isn’t it ironic then, all these years later that comedians can act just like a mouse?

There aren’t many of them anymore, or at least there aren’t as many as I thought there used to be. I used to harbour a lot of resentment towards the local scene and its comics. A LOT. But now, not so much.

In my seven plus years of doing comedy I’ve found there is the odd one (comedian) that operates within this realm. They only operate during the night. You can’t see them operate but they do a great job of leaving signs that they’ve been around.

Mousetraps aren’t applicable for these type of mice. One could use a golf club or a cat to eradicate the problem. But at my wise age of 45, I now know the best way to kill these mice. Forget the mousetrap, don’t bait them with peanut butter either. Just let them scurry back into their little holes, while leaving rat poision in various spots. It looks edible, but once consumed it will eat through their stomachs. I’ve seen the results, very effective.

I can’t figure out why after all the time I’ve been around stand-up comedy, why in the world would some comics still feel the need to be like a mouse. You may think that nobody is watching your moves. You might think because there is no opposition that you’re making the right moves. Eventually people are going to be sick of the turds you scatter, they will line the path to your mouse hole with those tasty poison pellets, then they will seal that hole, permanently. You will then be left there to die with no escape.

I cannot imagine there is much loyalty among mice in general. They are gross, disgusting creatures that carry disease and leave carnage in its wake.

There is however, loyalty among those that want to kill the mice, to stop their migration and limit their damage.

I believe I’m the oldest comic of the current open mic performers. At 45 I have learned that the biggest feather in my cap is that of loyalty. Loyalty is tied to faith and honour.

I had my hair done yesterday at the salon (manly translation = I got my hair cut by a cute female). It cost quite a bit, an amount that would disgust my parents and make some friends shake their heads. I have been a customer of this salon for 3 or 4 years now. The staff treat me very well, I get along great with my two stylists amd have an awesome relationship with its owner. To me, loyalty isn’t about saving money. It’s about respect and honouring the business and its people. Being treated with dignity, common courtesy, respect and kindness is something you cannot put a pricetag on. I have worked for some lousy employers that do not value or respect their employees, let alone their customers so I have firsthand experience of this principle.

My family likes to get their hair cut or teeth fixed at the cheapest possible option. They don’t value loyalty or relationships and I believe it shows in their depth of character. If you always seek the cheapest option you will find out a few things.

The cheapest option you don’t have to search too hard to find, and in many cases the legacy their work leaves behind, well, you can smell a lot of mouse turds behind it.

At the present time, there is more than one “mouse” that I speak of in the comedy community. Let us, as comedians, work together to get rid of these last few remaining mice. Their turds stink and are an eyesore.

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