When Nothing Else Matters

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It has almost been 400 blog posts as we come to my ten year anniversary in stand-up comedy.  In that time, this blog has amassed a global audience, that as of today, stands at 378 posts, not including this one, with an audience of 16,479 viewing The Stand Up Diaries 48,763 times in over 110 countries.

Sure, the topics get rehashed and sometimes I pick fights, receive anonymous hateful comments or I get no reaction at all when I am desperately seeking one to engage feedback.  But, after all these years and all these posts, there is one thing I have not admitted until now.

It has to do with a girl, and she makes me happy.

Yes, you read that right.  I have freely admitted that I am happy and not under the influence of any substance while stating this.

She is on a whole other level than anyone I have ever known.  She is way out of my league, and enjoys my comedy.

We are taking things slow while getting to know one another, enjoying each others company.  During this time it has made me realize a couple things.

First, she is the type of woman that normally wouldn’t find me very attractive (yes, she said I am sexy) if I presented to her the person I used to be.  You all remember that one, right?  The broken, depressed, lonely, discouraged….well, you get the idea.

My point being that the person I am today has a genuine authenticity and sincerity that I try to put out there.  Failure makes you humble.  I had a coworker ask me if I was excited for my date from last night.  I said no, because in all honesty nothing really excites me now.  How can anything excite me when you’ve been kicked around and disrespected by family, employers and the local comedy community for most of my life?  I prefer to be humble, taking things in stride and trying not to get too upset when things go sideways, as they often seem to with me.

If I was giving her this act that I have it together when clearly, I do not, she is very smart and would pick up on that immediately.  But, that wasn’t the case.  Granted, I am not where I want to be as of yet.  There is still work to be done, but I am not who I used to be, and I don’t have the radio show anymore to add to my general stress level.

Her and I had a discussion a while back and it brought me back to a lesson I learned a long time ago, that I never thought I would be able to apply to my life.  When it comes to a relationship or marriage, you have a choice to make.  You can be happy, or you can be right.  But you cannot be both, so pick one.

In her case, I realized making her happy required me to relinquish my right to be right.  Yes, you read that right.  For once, I came to the conclusion that I needed to keep this woman around, do the right thing and to lay aside my ego and pride in exchange for being right.  Being right didn’t matter anymore.  Not when you have a future with an amazing woman staring right in front of you.

As a result, my priorities have shifted.  Her thoughts, her opinions, her happiness matters.  It matters more than comedy, or more than a radio show I wasn’t appreciated for.  I don’t care to be right and argue and lose one of the best things to ever happen to me.  Considering all I have lost or never gained in my life, that is saying something.

All of a sudden, comedy doesn’t become such a priority anymore, especially when fellow comics around you could give a shit otherwise.  It’s a place that I never in a million years expected to be, with a wisdom and maturity that only a lifetime of failure could provide.

Now, it looks like I will be starting my own comedy room in the coming weeks, so I will do that.  But outside of that I may not do other shows.  She is a good influence on me and she doesn’t kick me around when I make a mistake, or from mistakes of the past.  I am not perfect and may say the wrong thing on occasion.  Where other comics love to crawl out of the woodworks to throw me under the bus, she takes the opposite approach and makes me feel like a human being, not like a human doing.

Now, things matter to me that didn’t matter before.  She is also a drama major (uni degree) and can help me navigate through the stand-up world with a fresh set of eyes and an open mind.

I am not sure how she will affect my comedy, but maybe just the very fact she can take me away from the comedy realm and make me feel like a success, despite all my failures, is the greatest gift anyone has ever given me.

I would like to write material about her affect on me, but it’s time for bingo.

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