When You Know That You Know, Do Others Know?

Tags: adversity, comedians, faith, redemption, Saskatoon, stand-up diaries, standup diaries, struggles, The Stand-Up Diaries, trevor dean, Trevor Dean comedian, trevor dean saskatoon

I just checked the stats from last year to see how many views the blog got.  It was down 1,606, or 25% from the previous year.  It’s also the first time in four years that I didn’t hit at least 6,300 views for the year.  I’d like to say it’s concerning, but in the end few give a shit.  People rarely comment on the posts too.  Maybe after eight years of doing this they take it for granted.  You know what they say, you never know what you’ve got til it’s gone.  Maybe when I’m gone I won’t be taken for granted.  I have no idea.

My side project for the last half of 2019 took up way more time than I ever imagined, and as a result it left me with little enthusiasm towards getting on stage.  You have no idea what a hustle is like until you’ve been in my shoes this last half year.

I am sitting on a huge pile of unedited material at the moment, in addition to some great ideas for material that haven’t made it to paper, or the computer screen for that matter.

In total I’m probably looking at around two dozen pages of material.  That is certainly more than enough for a few half hour sets and would serve me well for a year or two, if I chose to ride out the material for that long.  Usually I try to keep things fresh and new but with my declining success as of late, it’s translated into few stage appearances and almost zero confidence.  I don’t want to be anywhere near a comedy stage or other comics when my confidence is in the tank.  It’s not a fun place to be and I have been there way too much over the years.

I don’t get messages from others asking when I’m going back on stage.  I don’t have other comics saying they miss seeing me around and look forward to me back on stage.  I also don’t get any opportunities from the people who run comedy rooms in this city to be a featured act that isn’t an open mic, or at least on the roster of acts for that night.  So, when you aren’t in demand and nobody’s asking about you, it makes a person feel like they aren’t wanted.  Not that YOU would know what that’s even like.

So, here I am at 46 and alone.  I had a friend tell me that I wasn’t ready for a relationship yet.  Isn’t it funny that the people who tell you stuff like that have been married for years and with their high school sweetheart, yet they somehow know what loneliness is like.  Apparently I’m supposed to be alone and not have even a female friend or somebody to get out and do things with.  If I wasn’t so discouraged I’d find that funny enough to write about.

But the problem is that I have this vision.  I don’t know where it comes from, and it’s something I cannot shake off of me.  Usually when I see things like this, I achieve them.  It may take some time but in the end the vision that I have, that dream I think about, it’s right there in front of me waiting for me to step into it.

I see myself being in demand, the one local comedian that people want to hire.  Obviously, that isn’t the case now and never has been.  I have never been asked to do a corporate show.  The headliners in this city haven’t heard of paying it forward.  When they started out, other headliners took them on the road to their gigs to expose them to different audiences, outside of the open mics, thus allowing them to get better.  I talk to these headliners now and they all tell me that they go to gigs by themselves.  Yeah, they go by themselves or bring other local headliners they know to open for them.  To me, that’s not right, but who is going to listen to somebody like me?

I see myself as being the most relatable comedian out there.  The headliners are all married with kids and/or a great career that allows them to make good money.  Are there any headliners that are single?  any that have struggled that they are willing to talk about?  Nope and nope.

The new stuff I should be working on is stuff that would make me super relatable to just about everyone, and funnier than the rest while being clean.  I still haven’t lost the desire to perform clean, and am aware of the responsibility I have, in addition to being old enough that talking about sex and weed at my age is just plain dumb for trying to get laughs.

The angles and premises I could derive material from are different from anybody else in the city, but I can’t do it on my own.  I will need the assistance of my comedy coach to help me fill in the blanks.  I do not have the confidence to get on stage nor the ability to write it.

I will have to try over these next few weeks to start writing and putting some of these ideas down on paper (or the computer screen).  I have way too much material, too many ideas to be sitting inside my head and not do anything with.  The other comics say if you come out (me) to the shows then you will increase your chances of getting on a non open mic show where tickets are sold, but that is a crock of shit.  Two people have told me they had ideas for a show that I would be one of the co-featured acts.  Both conveniently forgot about what they said, so why bother going to the shows, at least for the time being?

Nobody gets anywhere in life on their own.  People need others to help them along.  It’s true that to get to that point I have to create the demand for my brand.  But it’s hard to do when you feel like you’ve been the outsider since day number one.

I don’t expect you to know what that is like either.